I'm going to jail i love you
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
