I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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