My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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