saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
