happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
