So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
