Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
