Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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