My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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