i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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