i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
