I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The struggles of a small town man whore
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
