I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
