I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
