I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
