i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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