dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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