If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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