My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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