Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
