Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
