your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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