I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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