not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
