Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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