Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
