Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
