Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
