I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
