My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
