I think my fart just growled at me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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