: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
