hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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