In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
