Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
