You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
