i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
