i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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