from now on my penis is your penis
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
