Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
