how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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