im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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