My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
A bitchslap is in order.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
