there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This show inspires me to have sex in space
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
