I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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