1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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