the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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