I wish I could teleport
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
