i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
