I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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