sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
