Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
